Sometimes I just want to escape, escape from EVERYTHING that's in my life.
And I just hope one day, an angel will fly to my window and lead me flying out of all these..
Sometimes I think I'm the one causing all these problems in life..
So maybe wherever I go, the same things will happen all over again,
Unless I escape from myself totally.. but how can I do that?
Even if I can't totally escape.. I just hope ONCE.
Just this ONCE, the angel will bring me to the end of the world
and we'll fly back to my life at the end,
with my eyes opened and with my courage returned to me
so that I can continue on with my life again.

趁時間沒發覺 讓我帶著你離開
沒有了証明 沒有了空虛
基於兩種立場我會罩著你
趁時間沒發覺 讓我帶著你離開
這不是頑固 這不是逃避
沒人綁著你走 才快樂

此時此刻我只是想有一位天使能飛到我窗前跟我這樣說....

或許我是基於自卑感而去逃避了一件事情,而這事情又不斷在打擾著我專心的情緒...惟一的辦法就是決定將它打下來,然後不再去想...不知道自己是在幹麼的....明明是有些少想去做的事情,卻以十萬九千個理由去推搪.然後再用二百萬九千七百五十四個籍口去掩飾自卑...但是根本就是在自卑嗎...我不知道,但是我好像由始至終都沒有怎樣的承諾過.所以應該是可以的吧...有時侯真的不知道到底自己是自卑還是自大... 有時侯竟然會傻得去想別人會為我而幹些什麼...但是根本就是不可能的嗎...沒有人會為了我而去幹任何事情...所以也請別逼我幹我不喜歡又或是會令我困擾的事情.

bme繼續毫無進展,點算好???

我討厭成為這個世界幾億萬人的其中一人,但我更加討厭那個會討厭別人的我...前幾天才說不要再那麼單純,什麼也跟別人說,特別是自己的感覺,自已的一切一切等等...然後卻又馬上隨便的找著一個人把不快一忽一忽地吐了出來... 有時侯真的覺得自己是說得太多了...其實這不叫真...只是叫駁人同情,爭取attention而已...不過有時侯,我其實真的只是想把感覺說出來而己..但是理智又會告訴我到頭來受傷的只會是自己...然後就會變成若隱若現懶神秘的不倫不類式對話....有時侯開始會問自己,說得這麼多的目的到底是什麼...爭取別人的注意嗎???我不知道o耶.或許有時侯我真的是說得太過多了... 人家在你面前也不把面具卸下,但你卻毫不保留地赤裸裸的站在別人面前...是不是有點兒那個???

project evaluate 完了...review... 入不了demo..其實假如我們去堅持的話,應該也會給我們入得了的..但是每一次都在evaluation之前才有東東不work的話,那也其實很冒險...不過入不了有入不了的好吧..說沒有失望是騙人的喇...失望唔多唔少都會有...始終看到自己一直以來辛苦做的東東在那個場地上走動,幹著自己想他做的事的時侯會有很大的成功感的..不過這個結局也許是一早預計到了的吧...因為老實點說句...我好像不是幹過太多的樣子...不知道o.野...好像沒有怎樣很投入很投入地去努力過般....不知道...我o地個ta好像聽到我們說是入review時好像很失望的樣子....不知道,我只是希望這次evaluation合格便行了o耶...

其實一直以來也知道,付出了的努力不一定會獲得認同亦未必一定會有任何回報...這個世界注重的是結果因為別人根本看不到過程..其實跟別人相處也是同樣的道理...付出了真心未必一定會獲得別人認同,亦未必會有任何回報...每次當我很努力地去維繫一段感情的時侯,身邊的人就會問我"付出了那麼多值得嗎?人家領情嗎?"...然後他們就會在背後恥笑我的愚蠢...直至連我自己也再沒有信心,亦會開始問自己:"付出了那麼多值得嗎?人家知道嗎?" 每一次也會失落好一會然後便會安慰自己說:"值得,因為現實不是一個大秤子不能什麼也放在秤上去衡量...有時侯做某些事情不是一定要人家知道,過得了自己那關,自己心知便行..."當我看到我為他付出的那個人在對著我微笑的時侯,我會覺得很滿足...當他在不快時,跟我分享,又或是什麼也不說的只是要求我靜靜的坐在他的身旁,又甚至乎只是一個簡短的icq msg,短得只是一個 :( , 我便會覺得自己的付出沒有白費過,因為至少人家在不快時也曾想起過有我...自私一點來說就是我在那一個微笑,那一刻的安寧,那一個:( 中找到了別人的認同...對我存在的認同,對我付出的認同...對!我其實或許就是要在跟別人相處之中獲取別人的認同...一方面,因為這個原因我會覺得付出了別人不知道其實也不要緊,因為在過程之中雖然人家沒有察覺,但其實由那不經意的一個表情我己經得到了我以為是肯定的認同了...同時,亦因為這個原因,在得不到回音的時侯就會不斷問自己:"付出這麼多值得嗎??不累嗎???只有自己付出真的就行了嗎???"

早幾日經過一輪疲勞大轟炸式o既midterm之後,己經完全變得魂魄不全...這個星期,再一次感覺到強烈o既挫敗感...無論是在學業方面,做人處事方面,甚至是在交友方面...之前在戇字典中的解釋好像通通要被推翻...不是這個星期才學懂的理論,而是一直以來也知道,一直以來也遇到過,只是當每一次遇上還是會再一次感到對自己,對世界對現實的失望...這樣其實也許就是意味著戇要去作出一點改變....或許我是有在作出某方面的改變的喇,只是潛意式的我根本不想去變....我不想因為現實殘酷而去把自己變成世界冷酷的一部份......

大概是身邊的人不同了吧,所以快樂的形式也變得不一樣,而我卻仍是徘徊在從前的形式上,還沒有習慣過來...或許有一天當我回望的時侯,我會發現其實我今天其實也很高興,只是身在其中的我沒有察覺而已...

我想我是真的變了...幾年前,曾經試過為一個不知名字的陌生人而啜泣過....只是因為知道某一種曾經以為有可能的事原來是不可能發生在那人身上..在知道的那一刻,哭了...哭的時侯連心也在痛...不知道是什麼原因,一直在問自己在哭什麼,一直卻在流著淚....現在的我不會再這麼傻...不會再為一個陌生的人傷心..因為在那一次哭過後,感覺好像冷卻了....

anyways...不想回家...因為一回家就要做功課了嗚....

Reading Week 由星期五開始... 其實這麼多日以來都可以一句話來形容....
期待永遠比身在其中好,活在腦袋中的永遠比現實好...future tense is always better than present tense..
"是你變了嗎?我的影子笑我這樣傻..."
或許真的是我變了,變得更加的不認識身邊的人,快樂,甚至乎自己...
我以為現在的我可以幫我擺脫從前可恥的我,我以為身邊的人可以令我快樂得忘記了從前的陰霾...我以為我可以比從前快樂....但是或許是活在回憶中的永遠都是最美麗的吧,又或是我,根本不是一個懂得去珍惜的人...只是有時侯自己難得地去在乎的時侯,那件事在別人眼中還是不值一提...有時侯我會費盡心思去想令別人快樂同時令自己快樂,可是很多時,最快樂的時侯就是事情進行之前....而不是之時....

星期五,情人節...跟樹屋等人去了水桶吃飯然後看戲...
星期六日... 去了看火箭...
星期一,一幫人等去了藍山滑板....一仆一碌的弄到成身藍紫色...但卻愛上了滑板這玩意...
晚上去了小朱家打邊爐....原定一大幫人在小朱家過夜的可是到了晚上個個也嚷著要離去....沒有不快只有內疚...因為其實我也想回家..另一方面,內疚也是因為跟某人說了大家也會過夜才令某人留下的.......所以最後因為跟某人承諾過,因為不想某人覺得難堪,所以最後還是決定留下來....

或許愛其實真的就是這麼簡單,簡單得連四至八歲的小朋友也懂的道理...但偏偏大人就是喜歡將事情複雜化...所以這些微不足道的事情在大人世界便變成了極大/難的付出....這個情人節,跟情人/朋友/家人/自己平平安安簡簡單單的過吧...只要開心就好!

近期philosophy:
日趕夜趕係咁趕猛咁趕...幾stress特stress..時間未到最後一秒都要趕趕趕下去,唔好亂掟o野,因為未係時侯...船到橋頭自然直,唔直咪撞到佢直,再唔係就搵o野掟到佢直...所以唔可以遲唔可以早,掟o野可以!但係要等來到橋頭前三尺睇準先好掟!!!!!!

情人節快樂,有情人愉快,單身人快活!!!!

"Choose something you LIKE and would want to do for life, since that something is going to get you out of bed in the morning. Becuz choosing an option is almost as important as choosing a wife."--by some prof in aero option talk Feb 10.2003 (more or less along the same line.. not the exact wording.

ON a lighter note.. 早陣子收到個email都幾有意思下,雖然收過不下三四次..但係有意思o既o野,再睇返都仲會係有意思o既...不過再收多一次我就唔擔保喇...
以下是其中幾段小笨友都幾鍾意o既...

Subject: Love according to 4 to 8 year olds

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and
paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her
all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too.That's love."
Rebecca - age 8

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your
French fries without making them give you any of theirs."
Chrissy - age 6

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
Terri - age 4

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop
opening presents and listen,"
Bobby - age 5

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a
friend who you hate,
"Nikka - age 6

"There are two kinds of love. Our love. God's love. But God
makes both kinds of them."
Jenny - age 4

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are
still friends even after they know each other so well."
Tommy - age 6

"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and scared!. I
looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and
smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore,"
Cindy - age 8

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left
him alone all day."
Mary Ann - age 4

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her
old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."
Lauren - age 4

"I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom says she only
picks on me because she loves me. So I pick on my baby sister
because I love her."
Bethany - age 4

"Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and she doesn't
think it's gross."
Mark - age 6

前幾天獨個兒由茶島回樹屋的時侯,站在那一條在玻璃天花下的電動扶手電梯時想到了這個:

左行右企,扶手電梯不明文的乘搭方式...站在向下扶手電梯的我與身在向上扶手電梯的你,正在以最遠的距離或是最快的速度跟對方擦身而過...每次的相遇就是遙遠的瞭望,又或是短暫的邂逅....我們誰也沒有為誰慢下來, 還是一樣的在電梯的左邊走著; 誰也沒有為誰向左踏一步,只是呆呆的站在右邊偷看著大家..然後各自地讓對方從自己的身邊離去...

之前有一個旋轉門的啟發的不過下次才再打起來吧...

大概,要開始好好地構思之前說過的事了...唔...

我開始越來越唔明白我自己..又或者根本上由一開始我都未曾瞭解過...我唔知自己到底想點,前面o既路我想點行..甚至乎連自己o既感覺都攪不懂...到底我想向那一個方向走???到底我要向左走還是向右走???但是我想無論向左還是向右...大概,注定要遇上的話始終還是會遇上的吧...但是始終,總是要選擇一條路來走...而在某些事情上...我好像選擇了去逃避....然而始終有一天還是會再一次來到交叉點,始終還是要去選擇.....或許逃避也是選擇的一種...決定了不去選擇其實大概也已經是一種選擇了...只是現在曾經逃避了的選擇再一次找到我,然而經過這些日子以後,可供我考慮的選擇卻變少了....很無奈..........

而現在的我選擇了在最忙碌的日子再一次逃避工作而去update這個blog....
無得救....

對著某些人和事,我開始不再懂得怎樣去反應....對著我自己,我開始變得無可奈何....究竟人家心入面在想什麼?我真的不知道,因為我連自己在想些什麼我也不知道.

曾經都覺得頗為順眼的人忽然之間有d頂佢唔順,仲有d睇佢唔順超再加上好似佢成日講o既o野/眼神等等都好似有點針對o既成份... 有咁o既感覺到底係正常呀定係唔正常呢?係某人o既問題定係我o既問題呢?

反之,之前有d睇佢唔順超的人好心好氣咁走埋o黎大贈送我都唔要o既時侯,我真係有d覺得對佢唔住...不過真係大贈送都唔係好o岩小笨友o既胃口..... 對唔住....

很奇怪的改變/感覺...

Whenever I just want to talk, there seems to be no one there with the time and mood..
Whenever I don't want to talk, people around me all seem to wait for me to start on a subject.
Whenever I just want to be alone, I'm surrounded by ppl who want to share their whole day's experience with me..
Somehow we just keep on missing the chances.. somehow we are missing each other's frequency..
Beats are created, waves are modulated. but you are never my modulating frequency nor am I yours..

Every time I reach out my hand into the darkness, all I grasp is black air..
Every time I try to search for a shoulder to lean on, all I find is my hopeless self..

(YES, i'm a little crazy now. but that's all ok.. )

In Montreal, Marc Garneau, president of the Canadian Space Agency and himself an astronaut, called it "the kind of day you dread, that you know all too well can occur and it is part of the risk that you accept if you're going to fly on the space shuttle." --Toronto Star, Feb 1, 2003

I was not dreading over it until I saw the article about it on Toronto Star... I did not dread about it when my dad turned on the TV, saw it on CNN and said that a rocket exploded.. I did not dread it when I saw a burst of smoke suddenly trailed behind a falling black dot across the clear blue sky.. I did not dread it when I saw the 7 astronauts' group picture on CNN with their enthusiasm and ambitious smile... I did not dread it when I saw the explosion for the third time on CNN... I didn't dread over it until I read the article in Tor Star.. and then remembering that today is the first day of Chinese New Year... seriously.. it's not really sth that concerns me that much .. I mean.. the astronauts are not related to me any how.. nor was I the builder of the rocket.. yet. somehow.. when I was reading that article.. I just had this surge of feeling growing inside me.. I don't know why, and I don't know how the rocket explosion could have done this to me.. maybe dread is not a word to describe my present feeling at all.. for it's not really a feeling of dreadfulness but more of a feeling that just dwells in you that cannot be described.. I don't know what is happening to me right now.. I just want to talk.. talk to someone.. talk about sth cheerful.. this is the NEW YEAR.. and yet dreadful things just pick the wrong time to happen... as usual..

I don't know why I'm disturbed by this.. ... maybe I'm starting to feel the responsibility .. ... and maybe I don't want to take on sth that big at all.. initially.. the purpose of me going into NY was becuz of the aerospace option... yet over the last one and a half year.. doubts start to emerge deep inside.. I don't know any more if this is what I really want to do...yet it's still on the top of my list.. ... but after this incident. I'm not so sure any more.. Like... I know there would be risks involved... and I'm not afraid to take on the responsibility if something does happen becuz of my miscalculations or sth.. if that's really sth that I should do.. the thing that I'm concerned about is.. 1. it might not be sth that I actually want to do for life..2. I will never forgive myself if someone dies becuz of my mistakes.. especially if that person is married and has kids waiting for them to come home.. i just don't know any more... about 20 years of experience on this world, I think I have learned the fact that dreams and reality are two different things.. yes..when you first go into sth.. you will feel all enthusiastic and all.. yet.. as time goes on.. as you witness more and more of the politics involved.. and all the bad things.. rumours, gossips and etc involved.. you'll start to realize that this is more uglier than you think.. and the ugliness might one day overshadow the fantasy that never existed in the real world but only in your head.. yet on second thought.. maybe all eng have to somehow take on this sort of responsibilities.. in fact. maybe all occupations on earth have to take on some sort of responsibility as big as this.. but yet.. I dont' know what I'm talking about any more.. ... and I still don't understand why I'm so influenced by this.. I guess it just makes me think about my future or sth like that?? I don't know any more..

Would it be better if the astronauts are not married and do not have kids?? will I feel better then?? no.. somehow I still doubt that..
Well.. to think on the good side. at least all 7 of the astronauts actually get to see the Stars up close before they depart from this world forever.. at least they have accomplished what they have accomplished before they took off.. at least their dreams were fulfilled before the burst..

According to History, my Dad said that the year of the ram has never been good before.. most of the time, wars happened in the year of the ram.. now I just hope that that would not be true. and it's just superstitions that some ppl have...

If only, I can think more simpler.. if only this world is simpler.. it'll be a much better place to live in..